I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
when you are just born a rebel
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist