@House_Feminist

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

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@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@einaregilsson

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

@elle91

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

@Divergentmama

When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.

@lunasgarden_

I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

@matt___nelson

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@TheAlexP

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island