“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.
I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
Alright ok fine
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island