I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.