I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me as a therapist: omg same
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM