I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Yes, this is exactly right
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!