[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Damn he played himself
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.