I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN