[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.