Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
This did not end as expected.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.