Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*
ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
You Might Also Like
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”
I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.
Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”