@thenatewolf

*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

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@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@OneTrickTofani

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

@aka_fatman

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

@NicestHippo

Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

@jrogasm

I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.

@canadian_jane

Twitter is cool because it makes me look like I’m texting my friends instead of talking to myself.

@CulturedRuffian

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

@Swishergirl24

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

@rickelverum

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”