i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
No, I don’t think I will.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah