I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
But I really needed water water water
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
titanic
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The glory of fall.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.