Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..
Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous