I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?