I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano


During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..


Is snapping not cool anymore? Figures. I just mastered the Macarena last month too.


Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.


The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that


CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny



*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched


Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!


me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous