I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
You Might Also Like
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.