@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

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@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

@tmoswole

To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@copymama

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

@NicestHippo

[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]

Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.