I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

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(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”



If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad


me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape


I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.


In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter