@TravLeBlanc

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

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@Jenny4ashley

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

@WeissBrandon

When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away

@Ready_Set_Nope

I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

@fowlerism

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

@jasonlight73

After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!