I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
We decided to have money instead of children.