I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
You Might Also Like
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
🚲+physics = winner
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”