I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it



Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back


I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.


Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?


Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…


Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?

Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead


“Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years.”


I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.