I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You Might Also Like
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Stop sending me this shit.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon