*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Never forget.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack