Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[ATM, with a line of people behind me]
Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.