*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.


*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.


All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”


Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s


I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…


Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is


I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.


people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks


Texts son – to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away

God he’s lazy, took him ten minutes to reply


Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.