Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.
look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.