@TheAlexNevil

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

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@nonchalantnacho

Dear family,
Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
Love, Danielle

@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

@notalogin

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

@iNusku

I just wish God hadn’t hidden all of my talents so well.

@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

@leannuh

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

@TheDairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

@KentWGraham

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.