*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro