I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Oh no
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.