I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle