Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school