This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
is it earth