“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats

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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor


You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]


Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…


[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would


This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter


[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs


FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.