A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Van Gone