Normalize calling your neighbor by his dog’s name for two whole years because you misunderstood when he introduced himself to you.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.