[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.