absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
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A wise man once said nothing.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10