I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time
Joseph: around what time
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right