@okimstillhungry

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

You Might Also Like

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?

@Tmoney68

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

@david8hughes

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right