just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?
Me: i told my mom i’d call her
Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*
~Christmas shopping for my wife