I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now


*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*


Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child


[After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i’d call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now


TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom


[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant


me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that


Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.


My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.


*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife