I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
estão todos miauvindo?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!