Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?