I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.