I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My Sentiments Exactly
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?