I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.