My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I see your choices and raise you one eyebrow.
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Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.