@ShoutingGoddess

I see your choices and raise you one eyebrow.

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@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@PinkCamoTO

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

@envydatropic

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

@GuyBreakup

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

@JB4Realz

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

@kelkulus

I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

@TheRealNickKay

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@E_lok44

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.