I see your choices and raise you one eyebrow.

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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.


Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.


In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s


I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.


[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…


I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.


WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday


“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.


Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*


Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.