I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Eat…
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My love language is deader than Latin