Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
You Might Also Like
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
did it work
Me trying to “trust the process”
it’s finally my moment to shine
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
RT if you could go either way.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Tell me you get it…🤣
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard