McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
You Might Also Like
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”