@NurseMurderer

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

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@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@jwoodham

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

@Jettalea

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

@prufrockluvsong

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

@just1fool

I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”

@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

@SentenceReduced

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

@causticbob

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

@ErinChack

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,