@NurseMurderer

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

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@charliedelta7

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

@Shade510

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

@steeve_again

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

@Tmoney68

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

@TheBoydP

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

@roxiqt

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

@rickolantern

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”