I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Just a friendly reminder!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.