[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”