We love you until you forget to call or show up late or breathe the wrong way
P.s you’re reading this tweet wrong
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**