In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.
HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.
HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!
Goodnight wifi connected devices
I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.
Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & curse anyone who tries to find you.
Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR