“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
#TopTip
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.