@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

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@ag_loco

Dear men,

We love you until you forget to call or show up late or breathe the wrong way

– women

P.s you’re reading this tweet wrong

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

@shariv67

When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@Kalarlis

hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

@molly7anne

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

@tastefactory

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

@crocodilethumbs

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

@ambermruffin

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**