@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

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@MUMSIEesq

In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”

@JohnLyonTweets

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

@JustDontBugMe

[Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.

[After Marriage]

HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!

@TheCatWhisprer

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

@Freudianscript

Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & curse anyone who tries to find you.

@Marlebean

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

@casablankstare

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR