@TheCamJude

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

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@filthybeggar1

People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.

@Maxine12339

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@markedly

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

@garrettbarry70

*First date.

Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”

@mattytalks

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@BillMc7

*goes on Facebook AGAIN*
*reads 100,000th idiotic post*
*thinks other people are stupid*