People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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*sings Hakuna Matata during your meltdown*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Her. “Shall we carve our names onto this tree”
Me. “You brought a knife?”
“Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me.” -Alcohol
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*goes on Facebook AGAIN*
*reads 100,000th idiotic post*
*thinks other people are stupid*