“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.


Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.


[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different



WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man


15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope


[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]


Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart


Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?


You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.


What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?