I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
You Might Also Like
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
life finds a way
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.