So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Fights fire with marshmallows
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.