@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings

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@AnniemuMary

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

@mzeld

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

@Rollinintheseat

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

@SnarkyMommy78

3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@capricecrane

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

@amishschool

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

@_ElvishPresley_

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil