I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!