I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
You can’t outrun your problems…
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
me and my fake scenarios
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”