I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You Might Also Like
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.