I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia


Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?


-You talkin to my girl?
*pops knuckles*

-What if I am?
*cracks neck*

*dislocates shoulder*

*breaks collarbone*

*fractures skull*


I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.


Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.


Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.


*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*


Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled “dead.” No dice! Thank god—hang in there, celebs!


It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.


“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*