I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them