Education is vital
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Love is always patient and kind.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*