FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
How I’d get arrested…
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!