occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
You think God hates crosses?
If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.