Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.
Well played brother, well played
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”
REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up