@ManiacallySound

I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.

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@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

@ItsAndyRyan

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

@elle91

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

@XplodingUnicorn

I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”

@nachdermas

REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up