I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.