I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]