I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Cool shirt 🙂
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
love it when they get my name right
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.